I know the confusion, guilt, love and fear after carrying your baby for nine months and going home with empty arms. My baby is so loved, wanted and missed beyond words. I longed to see her breathe, hear her cry, feel her nurse or open those beautiful eyelids. But she never did. I felt guilty not being able to be the mama she needed, feeding her, holding her and taking her home with me. I'm here to tell you I was everything my baby needed, I carried her for 9 months, and she only knew love and carbs. Knowing that brought me some peace. It also brought me peace to know that I will ALWAYS be her mama. I hope that brings you some comfort as well. I promise you will heal, you may even become whole again, but you wil never be the same, nor should you be the same, nor should you want to.
Birth and death should never collide. It's a pain no parent should have to go through. Let your baby be the strength you need to rise each morning. My heart keeps beating for her and my love for her has made me want to love others so much more. I'm so sorry you are a part of this club, the loss mama club, but I also hope you find comfort knowing you are not alone. Sending you love and a warm hug as you navigate these uncharted waters.